Some time ago in BSH I wrote a survival guide for British rallies, as the new season is almost upon us (and because I've got nothing else that will fit into half a page), here are some extracts that may help you in preparing for the coming rally season.

First of all you must prepare your bike/trike or combo. For some this may entail a huge amount of time with full engine strip-downs, and new tyres etc. For others (like myself) it is a matter of a new set of plugs and slopping a new coat of Hammerite on the frame, and of course not forgetting an accidental splash of paint over the 1987 tax disc.

Whichever category you fit into, the most important piece of preparation you can do with your bike is to make sure your AA/RAC (or whatever) membership is up to date.

It is also worth remembering that if you wash and polish your bike prior to a rally it will almost certainly rain all weekend. So give it a clean before the season starts then spray WD40 all over the bugger. With a bit of luck (and a blind eye) this should do you until October. Next you need to pack your survival kit. Tent, sleeping bag, bin liners (for storing wet gear over the weekend), tool roll, WD40, cable ties. Two bog rolls, a box of matches, spare bungies, a large bottle of Gaviscon (for when you get 'rally arse'), aspirins, torch, and bottle opener. Then you need the 'specialist rally kit', comprising of; A jar of Vic's Vapour Rub (a dab of this under your nose can make all but the very worst portable toilets bearable), and a pair of fluorescent pink underpants (the reason for this kit will become apparent later in this article), and a few tinnies to tide you over when the bar is shut. Put in 4 pot noodles (don't panic this too will also be explained) and ten extra tins of Newcastle Brown Ale (you can make it girlie lager if you wish but whatever your drinking preference you will need a minimum of two cans of Newky Brown). If you have taken my advice and your AA/RAC membership is up to date, you can now take all of the tools out of your roll and cram a couple of extra tins of beer in there (you will definitely need a pair of pliers so stick them in your pocket).

Now you need to mount the luggage in a safe and secure manner onto your bike/trike.

First wrap each item in a bin liner to keep it dry, and then pile it on the machine.

Once your luggage is resting comfortably take a twenty-foot piece of nylon string and tie one end to any handy bit of the frame. Now take a firm hold on the other end of the string and run like hell in ever decreasing circles around your machine until you have run out of length, then tie it off to any handy projection. Then sit astride the machine and give it a good old wobble. If nothing falls off you're sorted. If anything does begin to shift chuck half a dozen bungies across it.

On arrival at the rally site, the first priority is to pick a good camping spot.

Anybody who has ever been in the boy scouts can tell you, 'you should never camp at the bottom of a hill, and if you camp near a hedge row you will get some protection from the wind'. From this you can deduce that the last place you want to pitch your tent is at the top of a hill or next to a hedgerow, unless you want to be surrounded by people who used to be boy scouts. Another reason not to camp next to a hedge-row is that come nightfall everybody will be pissing against the bushes (trees and the sides of marquees are worth avoiding for the same reason). So the best place to plant your tent is close enough to the porta-bogs to be able to sprint there when you get the shits, but far enough away so you don't get trampled by other similarly afflicted people.

If possible it is well worth pitching your tent with the opening facing up hill. This way if you pass out when trying to get in to your tent while pissed, you will probably end up most of the way inside. The final touch, to remember when your tent is erected, is to securely tie the fluorescent pink underpants to the top of your flysheet. This will enable you to find your tent later when the campsite is full.

Next you may want to eat something before commencing the first marathon drinking session of the weekend. First you will need to drink a tin of beer, (if you have been remiss enough not to have one while pitching your tent). Once you have an empty can, cut the top off and fill it with water from the nearest supply (see, you didn't need that plastic bottle after all). Carefully stash this next to your tent (but not inside) ready for making a brew in the morning (now, you're probably thinking 'hang on, all the creepy-crawlies will get into it', don't worry, it will be covered, read on).

Now light your camping cooker (if you neglected to pack a box of matches you are now burning your thumb while trying to light the cooker with your zippo). Open a can of Newcastle Brown Ale and drink about one quarter of it. Now, hold the can with your pliers and heat the rest of the newky brown until almost boiling.

Pour the hot newky brown into a pot noodle, wait a minute or two and stir. Hey presto, like Jesus of Nazareth turning water into wine, you have transformed a pot noodle into food. After eating your noodles place the empty plastic jobby upside down over your tin of water to keep the creepy-crawlies out. Take a big swig of your Gaviscon (prevention is better than cure) and you are now ready to hit the bar, watch the bands and do the business.